AFC
Lea Holloway denies all responsibility for this section
Your
'Fanzine' – just for a giggle!
Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Football
relies on lighter moments...and needs a bit of fun. So why not contribute
to our 'fanzine' section. Contributions welcomed – e-mail fanzine@afcleaholloway.co.uk
Rams
manager Billy Davis is jealous because Matlock Town are going great guns
this season, so he rings up boss Phil Brown and asks him why the good start.
Brown says its the old remedy, of placing 11 dustbins on the pitch and
the lads dribble around them which teaches body movement etc. Davis thinks
I'll try this. A week later Brownie rings back to Davis to enquire how
things were going, and Davis said 'oh crap' and when Brownie asked how
they went on with the bins, he replied " We lost 2--0!"
Submitted by a cruel Bradford City fan!
A
bear, a lion and a chicken were sat having a chat.
The bearĘsaid: "When I growl the whole forest quivers."
The lion replied: "When I roar everybody shakes for miles."
"That's nothing," said the chicken. "When I cough and sneeze
the whole world shits itself."
A
Rams fan is trapped on a remote desert island with a sheep and a dog. Soon,
the sheep starts looking really attractive to the Rams fan. However, whenever
he approaches a sheep the dog growls in a threatening manner.
The Rams fan takes the dog to the opposite side of the
island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep
only to find the dog growling at him.
TheRams
fan ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep
only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.
By
now, Aberdeen fan is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under
a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet
suit emerges from the surf. She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon
his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him.
The
Rams fan thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog
for a walk?
Paddy
went the butchers and bought a pork pie.
"Want it slicing," asked the butcher.
"Yes please," said Paddy.
"Four slices or six," asked the butcher.
"Four," said Paddy. "I don't think I could eat six."
He then went to the greengrocers and asked for 5lbs of potatoes
"It's kilos now," said the greengrocer.
"Okay," said Paddy. "I'll have 5lbs of kilos then!"
Taking
a wee break from the golf circuit, golfer Tiger Woods drives his new Buick
Rendezvous into an Irish petrol station. An attendant greets him in typical
Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is.
"Top
o' the morning to ya".
As
Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those thing my, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the
Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive,"
replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas working for Buick think of everything!"
What's
the difference between paraffin and petrol?
There's no 'f' in petrol!
The
Fire brigade phones Martin Jol in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Mr Jol sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Jol. "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to
the canteen yet, sir."
A
Nottingham Forest fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football
scores come on the TV. The announcer says that Forest have lost 3-0 and
the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air
and plays dead.
"That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when they
win?" The Forest fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally
replies: "I dunno...I've only had the dog for eight months."
Q:
Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Old Trafford?
A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!
Keeper
David James is so distraught after his latest blunder that he decides to
end it all. He walks straight out of Man City's ground and throws himself
down in front of a number 9 bus. Luckily, it passes under him.
Q:
How many Manchester Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "2005 lightbulb changing"
commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to
Kent.
A
man without a ticket scales the walls of Wembley to watch a cup final,
about five minutes before the KO he looks around for a spare seat, he sees
one next to an old bloke. He asks the old bloke if the seat is taken.
"No," says the man. "It was my wife's but she died, we have
been watching the cup final every year for the past 35 years, same seats
every year, sit down you can have the seat."
After a short while the man says to the old bloke: "Did you not have
any friend or relative who would have like your wife's seat."
"Oh yes," said the old man. "But they are all at her funeral."
Remember...KEEP
THE JOKES CLEAN! We don't want ones like this...
An
old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes
the old man farts and says: "Goal."
His
wife rolls over and says: "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied: "It's fart football!"
A
few minutes later the wife lets one go and shouts: "Equalizer!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and
says: "Ahead again, 2-1!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says:
"2-2!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says:
"In off the post!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat
by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat
is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting
he follows through onto the bed.
The wife looks and says: "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"
What's
the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic
is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
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